A Love Story 5-5-2013

I think of that moment in time....

I am in deep labor with my sixth child.  Arriving at the hospital 9cm. dilated.  A perfect labor.  Walking through the pastures, up hills and over rocks.  Playing with my Littles, riding the 4-wheeler with 10-year old Benjamin driving so very carefully for his uncomfortable Mama.  Not even realizing I was in labor.  Just thinking, "Maybe soon.  Maybe soon this baby will come."

Driving to the hospital after tucking all my precious ones into bed for the night.  A hot shower, a nap, a cup or two of warm beef broth--  hoping tonight would be the night but not counting on it.  I comment to husband--who is driving slowly, buying me some more precious moments--"I really want God to be the One directing all my steps but I so often feel that I am the one making the decisions!"  A cry of frustration at the not-knowing things.  Is it time?  Will I cry out for an epidural in my pain?  Am I weak for that?  Do I trust God enough to see me through whatever He knows is coming?
Anxious thoughts.  Anxious heart.  Faith colliding with thoughts and overwhelming feelings.

We arrive at the hospital.  I calmly ask for someone to check me-- I think maybe I've been in labor most of the day?  But I make it clear-- I want to go home if I'm not at least at a 5.  Don't put chains on me.  Don't lock me up.  Please don't lock me up!  No problem they say--  looking at one another with knowing looks-- this one is hopeful but out of here within the hour.

A kind nurse checks me.  "Uh huh,"  she utters.  I start to cry.  I knew it!  I'm going home.  The wait begins again.  The anxiousness of the decision making starts anew.  The exhaustion that will go on through another long night of sleeplessness.  "You're at a 9," she states.

My world flip-flops-- upside down and stays there.  "What?"  I ask incredeously.  That means I'm having this baby...soon....now!  I begin to be frightened of what I know is coming.  The pain of unmedicated childbirth which is quickly upon me.  My heart rate accelerates.  My whole body begins to tense up-- to fight against the pain I know is coming.  I panic.  I fight.  I scream for somebody to help me.  I have made up my mind-- I don't want to do this after all.  I can't.  I won't.  Oh but I must!

And in the midst of the pain-- excruciating, all consuming pain-- I am given a respite.  A place under the wing that God has prepared just for me, just for this moment.  A place where God and I can dwell together and He speaks softly to my fearful, fighting, exhausted heart.  "Do you trust Me?"
"Oh yeah, sure God.  I trust You.  I trust You can get me through whatever I have coming to me."
"Do you trust Me?"
"Um, yeah.  I know You are my all-powerful, all-knowing, never-gonna-leave-me-alone God.  I know You have promised You will bring me through whatever terrible thing You will allow to happen.  So, sure, yeah, I trust You."
"Do you trust My love for you?  My compassion for you, my child.  My daughter.  My Father-love that loves you to crawl up in My lap.  My Father-love that desires to hold you while you are hurting and understands this pain and wants to caress you and love you through it.  Do you trust my compassion and lovingkindness toward you, My precious daughter?"

I surrender.  I crawl into my Father's lap.  I cry on His shoulder.  I beg Him to help me because of His great love for me.  I see glimpses of His tenderness for His children.  Of His desire to love.  Of the pain He experienced giving up His own Son to the pain of suffering.  I am held.  I am covered.  I am in the most secure place.  I am loved with an everlasting love by a compassionate Father who understands I am but dust.  He is mindful of my human frailty and has compassion over me.   There is no shame.  I am singing, praising, my lips move in awe and thankfulness at what a wonderful, kind Father I have--  At His gift to me of His presence. 

Then, the moment is over and my body is racked with the seering pain of more and more and more contractions.  Then finally, in the blinding light, and through raw pain and real suffering, through the labors of what must be.... a child is born.  A precious son.  A gift.  A blessing.  A piece of God's own heart entrusted to me for a little while.  And I hold him close to my chest, skin on skin and he is comforted-- and I am comforted.  And we both begin to comprehend--  in those first few minutes of new life-- the compassionate love of a Father who loves and loves and loves to love.

Gage Alexander born 5-5-2013
Thank you O Father for the gift of this son and for the gift of Your loving presence.

May 12, 2013

I am planning on posting the amazing birth story of Gage.
I am planning on posting pictures and stats of our newest little miracle.
But....I don't have an hour (or more) to upload the pictures, edit, then post what I want in order to "do them justice" and I don't have the time right now to post the amazing birth story of Gage and "do it justice" so here are some random things I don't want to forget that I can put down quickly.....

Coming home from Fredericksburg was great but not at all easy.  Ryan decided to come down with the "gunk" we have all had (sore throat, cough, fever, etc.) the day we came home.  Poor guy has been trying to help me out and I've been trying to help him out and we are both exhausted, sore, & irritable.  (By the way, we have had this "gunk" since April 2 when Ben first got sick.  I still have a sore throat and ear-ache, goop in my eyes every morning, etc.  Everyone has had a case of it.  Ryan's turn I guess??)  The children have been amazing to help out.  The girls have gone the extra mile in caring for their baby sister & helping out in the kitchen.  Benjamin has picked up the slack in other ways, Boden has been exceptionally happy to play with Natalie & to help out where he can.  They are all joyful most of the time and do what we ask without complaining.  They are also great at helping each other and finding things to do to keep themselves and their "Littles" occupied quietly.  Thankfully the weather has co-operated and they have also been able to be outside a lot!  The people from our church have been great to serve us also.  They have brought several meals and one lady even went to the grocery store for us!  Just my little list of things I am thankful for!

Anyway, continuing on....when we got home the kids were THRILLED to find their gardens thriving!  Sarah's dill is ready to pick, Maya is about to get a yellow squash, and Benjamin found quite a treasure in his!  He came in yesterday yelling, "I got dinner!"  Ryan and I both thought, "Oh no, what has he killed now?"  But it was just a GIANT zucchini he picked out of his garden!  He ate that (along with the rabbit legs he had killed and skinned the day before) for dinner.  I don't think he was impressed with the rabbit-- that's one way to get a kid to eat his veggies!

Boden's comments when two different friends commented on how pretty his new brother is:
"You sure have a pretty new brother."
"He's NOT pretty.  Boys are handsome."
"Oh you are right.  Boys ARE handsome."
"But Na-Na (Natalie) IS pretty."

And......
"You sure have a pretty new brother."
"But sometimes he scrunches up his eyes like this..." (Bo procedes to make a really scary face, scrunching up his eyebrows).
"Oh!  What do you think he is thinking when he does that?"
"Well Mama says (uh oh, what DOES Mama say??)  he's probaly thinking, 'what's all these hands on my head?' "
(laughter, sigh of relief from "Mama"  :) )

Sometimes hard times truly are the sweetest.